i am not the word

It has been awhile. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote here, but before I get into all of that, I have finally felt inspired to write, thanks to the prompts in The Isolation Journals by Suleika Jaouad. This week’s prompt, for Valentine’s Day is to “create an inventory of your loves—whoever breaks you open, whatever animates your life“.

I never used to be a fan of Valentine’s Day, always writing it off as a silly consumerist Hallmark holiday, not worthy of my attention or money. And in some ways I still do, but I also have a new found appreciation of celebrating the good things in life. And today I choose to celebrate love, in the way I see fit, which is writing.

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I used to think teaching was my love. It was my passion, it is what I wanted my whole life. To be at the front of the classroom, moulding young minds. After teaching for a decade, I realized it is not a love, it’s a career, merely a job. And it is one I am not sure I even want anymore because it takes over too much of personal time for my real loves. And we cannot get back time lost, and so I will focus on the time I have now.

What I have with my partner Nick, that is love. I still cannot believe all he has done for me, more so in the last year or so throughout my diagnosis, treatment, and recovery, but also the years prior. This man has been a gift, and I still cannot believe we found each other on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, both dealing with previous heart breaks. I remember when I realized he loved me, leaving me each night saying ‘you know’. And I did. Without even saying the words, I knew. 

The things about who you love, is they should also help to foster your other loves. And Nick fosters my love in things other than him. One of those loves in reading. I have had a love for reading since as far back as I can remember. When I was younger, I was known for always sitting outside on my step reading. I identify with my reading more than most anything else in my life. And yet, when I met Nick, for the longest time he did not see that side of me. Teaching full time, I barely had time to read for myself anymore. I went from a book a week, to maybe a book a month if I was lucky. And eventually it was just books to use in the classroom. But I remember one day I broke down and told Nick how much it hurt me that he didn’t see that side of me, as it was honestly my first love. And so I began to read again, and it has filled me with joy once more.

I also love to write. My long winded Instagram captions, random poetry on scrap paper, blog posts on travel or anything that comes to my mind that I feel like writing, and so on. Even though I share a lot on social media, it’s a fraction of what I actually write. Writing is cathartic for me, and so in times of hardship, I write. But I also write when I am happy, falling in love, enjoying life. I write about it all, and I share what I want, when I want. Because it’s the act of writing that I love most, and it is yet another thing that often got put on the back burner while teaching. Besides the lack of time, I was often less and less inspired, and rarely had the energy. During chemo was the hardest, as I didn’t have the focus and what focus I could muster up, I saved for work. 

Nick and I have traveled to many places together, from the beaches of Thailand to jungles of Madagascar and the mountains of Bhutan. He shares in my love of exploring the unknown. He not only fosters my love for it, but he also accompanies me during each adventure, bringing more love into it than there could be without him. Going to school abroad in Australia, connected me to my love of traveling and living abroad. But sometimes I do wonder if I would love this life of moving from country to country, traveling every chance we get, without him to share in all the high highs and low lows of it all.

And in that exploring, I found a love for wildlife photography. The challenge of capturing a monkey swinging from branch to branch, or a hummingbird buzzing by, has been something that has brought joy to my life in the last few years. I genuinely love spending time behind the camera, waiting for the next hummingbird to fly by. And Nick has encouraged that love every step of the way. We plan travels around the wildlife we can see, and I can capture. He sits next to me in bed, as I sit there behind the camera, waiting for the hummingbirds to come to our balcony. He believes in me, and when I opened my print shop, he helped the imposter syndrome dissipate. 

And last but not least, I love myself. I always have. Even in moments of insecurity, or hardships, I have always loved myself more than I loved anyone else. I used to be so against the idea of love for someone else. The idea of a real relationship made me cringe. I have been very fortunate to have two big real loves in my life, both of which made me realize how capable I am of loving others, while continuing to love myself just as much. Nick helps me love myself, on days where I am mad at my body for betraying me. When I feel like I look like I have a cotton ball for a head, and I can’t stand to look in a mirror, it is he who reminds me not only that he loves me and thinks I am ‘better than beautiful’ but deep down, I do too. 

And that is why those who love you should always foster your love of other things, and a love of yourself. There should always be overlap. Love is a wonderful thing, to have, to share, as one of my favourite bands, Stars, says to hold on to when you get it and let go when you give it.