i am not the word

I have always had a weird thing with noise and sounds, but I never used to talk about it. I don’t know why I never talked about it before, but I always felt like it wasn’t that big of a deal because it was only certain noises and only certain times. I also spent a lot of my childhood and youth being told I am too sensitive for other reasons, so I hid things that would make me seem even more sensitive. The thought of explaining that not only am I sensitive in general but I am sensitive to certain sounds? No thank you! But as it has gotten worse in the last couple of years, I have realized that I have been trying to handle it on my own and in secret for a long time, even if I didn’t have the words to articulate what the issue was.

In high school I always had headphones on. If they weren’t on my ears, they were around my neck. I was obsessed with music growing up, so I have always discussed this period of my life in terms of having a love for music and nothing more. I went to concerts all the time with my friends. We listened to music together when we weren’t at live shows.

How could someone who loves music and concerts have an issue with noise?

It didn’t make sense to me, so I didn’t talk about it growing up. To anyone. Ever.

Not to my parents. Not to my friends. Not to my teachers. Not to my doctors.

I think I was embarrassed. And at the time, I could handle it. I had some sense of control over it.

On days that noise became an issue, I would just put my headphones on, plug them into my minidisk player (oh those pre-iPod/iPhone days) and blast my music and drown it out. I did this mostly in the cafeteria at lunch, or in the classroom. I honestly have forgotten a lot of the specifics about high school, so I don’t remember the particular noises within the school that were grating on me, but those were the two places I remember doing it the most.

And at home, it has always been the dishwasher. For some reason the sound of the dishes being taken out and put away makes me irritated to the point of anger. This has been an ongoing sound that only got worse as time went on. I have been trying to trace back when this started, or at least when it changed from irritating to anger, but I can’t remember a time this didn’t bother me like that. It doesn’t bother me as much when done later in the day versus the morning. And honestly I can handle it when I am doing it myself.

There have been things over the years that I struggled with, when it came to noises. But it was only after my cancer diagnosis that it got to a point that is seemingly beyond my control. And so I started speaking up. Many people I have mentioned this to assume this is something new, something I developed recently, but the reality is, I just finally found my voice when it became too much to bear. I finally found a word to describe it, Misophonia, and the information to confirm that maybe this is more than just an irritation or annoyance.

I have discussed it with my partner. He knows not to empty the dishwasher in the mornings. He asks me before he puts the dishes away later in the day. I try my best to remember to do it myself, but I forget a lot so that doesn’t always happen.

I realized this morning, as Nick was sniffling from allergies or whatever it may be, that I need to find a way to control this, as I could not continue to let sounds like this grate on me. It was affecting my ability to be in the same room as him in the mornings. I should not be so irritated by a noise he could not control. But I was. I am. And that irritation turns to anger. Not at him but the sound. I don’t know why the sniffing in particular became an irritant, but I assume it is because of timing (mornings) and the fact that it’s constant and repeating. From what I have read, that can be triggering.

I am terrified of this affecting my relationships.

I am terrified of being in a constant state of anxiety if there is any noise in the morning.

I am terrified of eventually becoming so triggered that it affects the rest of my day.

I am terrified of it developing beyond a noise issue to just straight up anxiety.

I can usually shake it off eventually, but sometimes I carry it with me throughout my day and other noises that don’t usually affect me, do.

I have done things to curb this. Created mornings of quiet. I get up before the world wakes up (not before Nick, he is up even before me) and I give myself time without the noise of the world. I drink my coffee in quiet. I find that if I can start my day in complete quiet, at least for the first hour or so of the day, I can handle most other noises that can be triggering the rest of the day.

This is something I addressed in therapy in my first session (need to address it again once I am able to go back). This is something I am constantly reading about and trying to navigate and find ways to cope with. But I think the most important thing is being open and communicating with those around me about what I need. Beyond that, everything is then left up to me.

The reality is that no one in my life seems to quite get it. It is hard to articulate. It is hard to make others understand how it truly feels. And so beyond therapy, and working through it mentally, I know that it is on me to figure out ways to deal.

Avoid the noises when I can. Buy noise-cancelling headphones. Remove myself from situations that are triggering.

And most of all, be patient with myself while I navigate it all.