i am not the word

I thought I would be one of those people who writes and documents my whole treatment. When I was diagnosed, I planned that in my head. I would restart my blog (this one!) and use it as my outlet. I would write every thing I went through and felt. And then I went through chemo and I just couldn’t do it.

I applaud those who are able to. I have read countless memoirs now from people who have or had cancer, and many of them wrote a blog and their memoirs pull from those posts. I read them and I am in awe of their ability to put all those moments into eloquent pieces of writing.

My reality was a lot different.

When I was first diagnosed, I had gone to the hospital because I was in so much pain. And that pain was in my chest and ribs, and made it hard to sit up and be at my laptop (which made virtual teaching a lot of fun, might I add). As the chemo sessions went on, the pain diminished, but then came a whole host of other obstacles.

The first one being the fatigue. I have never known a fatigue like this. I have been tired, exhausted and lacking energy, but my body and the chemo working together to kill those cancer cells sure made me feel like I had been working in a hot field doing hard labour all day, while also having to complete complex math problems the whole time.

You are probably like, wait what? Math problems? The fatigue wasn’t just something that affected my physical energy levels. My body felt worn down, absolutely. I keep trying to find the words to truly make you understand what the fatigue feels like, but the reality is, it’s just different. I have never felt like this. Not after a whole day of playing soccer in a tournament. Not after spending all day hiking in the mountains. This felt… worse.

But it also affected my brain. I had a hard time focusing. After my first month of chemo, I went back to teaching part time (teaching one of my course, but planning for both my courses). And it took all of my focus just to plan my classes. The teaching part came a little easier to be honest, but still took a lot of out of me. But the planning part made me wish I was the kind of teacher who could just take other people’s plans and go with it. I tried so hard to be the best teacher I could be under the circumstances, but it kills me how much I fell short of that. I wasn’t the teacher I wanted to be.

But I digress, as usual. Beyond the focus, or the lack thereof, was my eyes. This was the part that truly terrified me. My eyesight was slowly getting blurrier and blurrier. I would increase the font on my kindle bigger and bigger each time I tried to read. I would be creating documents for my students with the font on 18 instead of 10 or 12, for my own sake, and then putting it back down to 10-12 when I sent it out. I would zoom in on EVERY THING on my computer. I literally could not see anything in regular size.

It was terrifying. I know eyes deteriorate for a myriad of reasons over the course of our lives. I used to be nearsighted and had gotten laser eye surgery back in 2018 to correct it, and have been enjoying the ability to see the views on my travels better, and through my camera too. But to have my eyes deteriorate so quickly, and see the progression through the font size changes and zooming in, was heartbreaking.

I remember one morning, sitting on my balcony, trying to read my kindle and enjoy a little peace and serenity. I turned on my kindle and I couldn’t read a word. I had already increased the size of the font many times. This time I just became a well of despair. The words on the device were like trying to see road signs in the distance as you drive through torrential downpour. It felt impossible. What was once my happy place, reading, became a source of frustration and heartache.

I found myself googling things… zoomed in as far as I could.

I was scared that this was my new normal. There were never any clear cut answers, because of course there isn’t. All chemo is different. All side effects differ person to person even with the same concoction of chemo drugs. My doctor couldn’t even tell me what to expect long term because he couldn’t know.

So if I couldn’t even read on my device, how was I supposed to write? I can’t tell you how long it took me to write up assignments for my students, or read their essays. Zooming in and out and back in even closer. The frustration I felt trying to get through a teaching day, I knew there was no way I would be able to write and have it feel cathartic. It wouldn’t have had the feeling I was looking for, as I usually look for in my writing.

Reading and writing are my two favourite things to do, which is why I have always wanted to write a book. And there I was, not able to do either of these things without having a menty b (shoutout to @thecancerpatient community for that lingo).

You may be asking, ‘why wouldn’t you just get glasses?’.

First, glasses would require knowing what prescription I would need. A definable number to say ‘hey this how bad your eyes are’. But my eyes just got worse and worse as treatment went on. So if I had got glasses at the start of the deterioration, I would’ve had to get new ones as they got worse.

But also, it’s never just about the thing. Yes, it was about the ability to see words right in front of me to be able to read and write. But it was the WHY that was causing the menty b to begin with. My eyes weren’t just deteriorating at a regular rate due to aging, or sun exposure, or whatever reasons eyes deteriorate for every person. They were deteriorating because I was pumping my body full of life saving poison.

It was worth it, even if my eyes never recovered, because I’d rather be alive wearing glasses eventually than dead. Can’t read and write if I am dead, now can I?

And so I wrote snippets here and there on Instagram when I could, updating the word and letting things out. I have notes written here and there on my computer, or in my journal, when I wasn’t struggling and had moments of clarity, so to speak.

And now this is why I write. I have so much bottled up in me to share, but was unable to in the moment due to the myriad of factors that I no longer struggle with… not fully anyways.