i am not the word

I have been putting off writing about cancer here because this blog started as a travel blog. But did it really? I started this blog when I left Ontario and drove to the other side of the country, after heartbreak. I wrote about my journey, the physical one of actually driving across the country to the Yukon, but also the emotional one. I let people into my head and heart. And then it morphed and changed over the years. And then I just stopped writing here, and wrote long instagram captions instead. Part of me worried no one would even come here to read anymore, part of me just wasn’t into writing travel guides and didn’t enjoy that part of it all.

I have been writing things on and off since I was diagnosed, and never published much of it anywhere. Writing has always been cathartic to me, but I often write more for myself than for others and don’t want to have to change the way I write to fit some mould. I teach my students to break out of the mould all the time, I am not about to do the opposite.

I am not out here trying to be an influencer, travel or otherwise, I just genuinely enjoy writing and sharing. It makes me feel good when people read and are able to relate to what I am saying, or learn something, or feel something. But I am not looking for fame and fortune, I am looking for connection. Social media and blogging have changed so much over the years, and I find myself pulling away from it because the connection aspect seems few and far between. I met so many amazing friends through instagram and blogging back in the day, many who I still talk to and some who I have met in real life. Nowadays it often just feels like a popularity contest. But I realized it doesn’t have to be. It is what you make it.

I don’t know what exactly I will write about, how much I will write, and who will read this, but I am ready to start sharing more about the things I have been writing but haven’t put out into the world fully. How I have felt through this last year and a half. Things that I have been thinking, feeling, hoping, dreaming. Ways in which cancer has changed things for me. Ways in which I haven’t changed at all. Ways in which people expect me to change. I guess change is a big thing in my mind right now.

Even though I share a lot on social media, I still feel like I hold back a lot. Whether that be because of character limits on captions, worrying about offending other people with my thoughts and feelings, or just worrying about people not connecting or relating. I have a modest following on instagram, nothing big, but people started following me because of travel. I remember it was after my trip to Madagascar that my follower count start to rise. And it was when I posted more than just travel that my follower count dropped again. I have never been big on numbers, but I also am not a huge fan of shouting into the void. I have a lot to say, as I am sure you know if you are reading this, and connecting with others through my writing is important to me.

When I first posted about my cancer, I announced my cancer to the world via Instagram. I didn’t think twice about sharing the news with everyone. It was my reality and I didn’t care to hide that. I wanted people to hear it straight from me, not through the grape vine. It was me taking control of the narrative, and I want to get back to that. I want to take control of my narrative again and let you in a little deeper.

So here it goes…