i am not the word

As I write this, I am weeks overdue for an eyebrow and lip threading. I just can’t be bothered. I have noticed this week that when I talk face to face with people, mostly adults but sometimes students, they are looking directly at my lip and the hairs growing on it. Now I have discussed this at length with others, and in one of the discussions a friend said, “maybe they are just looking at your lip cause that’s where you talk from?” And yeah, that could be true, but I also take note that their eyes also, sometimes, fixated on my eyebrows. And now you are probably thinking, ‘maybe they are just looking at your eyes, like a polite person would do during a conversation?’ I can’t say how, but I can tell the difference between someone looking at my eyebrows and someone looking in my eyes. It’s slightly different. It’s a lot easier than telling the difference between someone looking at my upper lip or at my mouth, just cause directly into my eyes is more obvious.

I could say right now, that earlier when I said “I can’t be bothered” that I meant I am also not bothered by people looking at my lip or eyebrow hair, but the reality is if I wasn’t at all bothered, would I have noticed in the first place? Maybe. But probably not. One of the reasons I have been paying attention is merely to see if they do tend to focus their attention in those areas, whether intentionally or unintentionally, just to prove my own point that it is happening. I know that as aware as I am of a women needing to have a certain shape of eyebrow and no upper lip hair being a social construct, it still bothers me when I do, a little bit. I am working on that.

Why am I talking about my lip and eyebrow hair anyways? What does this have to do with anything? Well a lot. I have been reading a lot of feminist lit lately, and really taking the time to digest it and analyze it and apply it to my life. One of the things I really appreciated was a quote by Laurie Penny in her book ‘Bitch Doctrine‘:

“Rather than fighting for every woman’s right to feel beautiful, I would like to see the return of a kind of feminism that tells women and girls everywhere that maybe it’s all right not to be pretty and perfectly well behaved. That maybe women who are plain, or large, or old, or differently abled, or who simply don’t give a damn what they look like because there are too busy saving the world or rearranging their sock drawer, have as much right to take up space as anyone else.”

What a thought right? The audacity to say that any woman not deemed beautiful by society’s standards can still exist and function in society. She is not saying here that you can’t be ‘plain’ as well as beautiful, or ‘differently abled’ as well as pretty, but the fact that these are usually terms that when used to describe someone can usually imply their beauty is less than. How often do you hear shitty comments like ‘yeah she’s fat but she has a pretty face’ or ‘she’s so beautiful for being 70’. These kinds of comments are thrown out there all the time, as if it’s rare to be both one and the other.

But these aren’t the people I am talking about. I am talking about the ones who just don’t fit into conventional beauty standards at all. And the ones who don’t want to.

Before I go on, I just want to say that I am aware of the position I write this from. I am average weight and height, and have been told I am pretty most my life; and not just by my own parents. I have that white skin privilege going for me, for starters. But this isn’t about that, I’ll write about that some other time.  I would go on, but I don’t want this to sound as if I am bragging at the things I have got working for me. I just want to come to an understanding with you that I am well aware I am stating all this from a perspective of privilege, whiteness and by society’s standards, a pretty face.

I don’t wear make up on a daily basis. I don’t wear make up mostly because I am too lazy to wear make up. It just feels like a process that I am not willing to go through daily. Sounds fun in theory, but the time and effort it takes to get it off at the end of the night is just exhausting. I have actually never worn much make up, at least not in the conventional ways many girls do. When I did wear make up, mostly in high school–and most likely cause all my friends were doing it–I did it partially to be pretty (I can admit that) but also cause all the colourful options out there. Some days I would wear blue mascara with white tips, and sparkles… I was all about the sparkles. I honestly don’t remember caring if I put make up on or not most days. But if I wanted to add something extra to my look (which usually consisted of some interesting choices of clothing), I’d add a bit of make up.

I was lucky in that I have always had good skin. So foundation and cover up was never something I felt I needed to put on to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I have never purchased it, ever. My teen insecurities never really revolved around wanting to look like everyone else, I was too busy trying to ‘be unique; just like everyone else’. Man I tried so hard to be different. (Now I just don’t try, and am just being me). So anyways, my make up days were short lived, and I stopped wearing make up almost altogether. Sometimes when I see colourful, beautifully done make up I wish I cared cause it looks fun, but the most you’ll get out of me is a little mascara and a bright lipstick for a wedding or special occasion.

Why am I talking about make up and my use of it? Laurie Penny’s book really made me start thinking about why we do certain things related to beauty. She discusses in her book about how there is nothing wrong with not shaving your legs, or shaving your legs, neither makes you more of a feminist than the other. It’s your choice. The beauty of feminism really is that you have the choice. And that is the part I have been really thinking about right now, choice. And why we make certain choices. I choose not to wear make up, but that doesn’t mean I am better or worse than any woman (or man) who chooses to wear it. We all have our reasons to do one or the other, and thats the beauty of choice.

I personally do not want to participate in society’s constant need to make me feel like I need to be beautiful. I am aware that somethings I do don’t ‘need’ to be done, but I continue to do them (shaving my legs/underarms/etc, threading my eyebrows). Even though I am consciously aware that it is society that deems it necessary for women to shave their legs, get their bikini line waxed, shape their eyebrows, etc. I still participate in many of these beautifying activities. But why?

For me, I shave my underarms not because I care about the hair being visible and/or people judging me for not shaving them (I honestly really don’t care, I used to but it does not bother me anymore), but because hair makes it smell more and makes you sweat more (your deodorant is less effective when there is hair). I live in a hot climate so I have a hard enough time finding deodorants that work and last. Sure, you can say body odour is also a societal issue as well, but I don’t want to smell. Body odour can be overwhelming and I personally just would like to save myself and others from that. I would honestly love to give up shaving my underarms, but any time I do, usually on vacations, by the time I shave them again, I am ready to do so because I start to notice that I am sweating more and smelly, which is fine for vacations but not so much for work and daily life.

I am still working out my own thoughts on why I participate in certain beauty practices, such as removal of hair in places that aren’t producing smells and sweat. But I am fully aware that these are things that have been ingrained into me about how females should appear to the outside world. I have gone long times without shaving my legs, or bikini waxes. I know I can do it and be comfortable in my own skin. I just prefer to do it. When I feel like it. And if I don’t, I don’t.

There is this idea out there that we ‘should’ do certain things in regards to our appearances, whether it be because of our sex or gender, our profession, or our culture, but there is no such thing as “should”. Everything is a choice. Sure there may be consequences (big and small) for those choices, but you also have to chose whether those are reason enough to choose one way or the other.

For me, my choice is to do what I want to do because I want to do it. Not because society tells me I ‘should’ look pretty at all times….

Side note: There is a difference between ‘pretty’ and ‘professional’ by the way. Which is something I find that gets mixed together often. Though I don’t think you need to look “professional” to be able to be able to do your job, I will get into that some other day. You do not need to wear make up to be professional. I cannot stress that enough. I have heard this from countless women, especially in terms of hiding the bags under their eyes with make up to ‘look professional’. This is not part of the idea of looking professional. And when I googled ‘do I have to wear make up to look professional’ it was a lot of ‘no, but…’.

“No, but if you do, make sure it’s subtle.”

“No, but it does make you look more polished.”

If you like to wear make up, and you feel it helps you ‘look more polished’, by all means wear it. But the idea that you ‘should’ wear it to look professional at your job is just not accurate. As one website I read stated, “makeup is to appear ostensibly “professional,” or in reality, to pretend not to be a human person with flaws”. We all have flaws, these do not make us more professional or less professional, only more human.

I have read and heard stories of women being asked “are you tired?” or “are you sick?” when they came into work without makeup. Though I do get asked if I am tired often, cause the bags under my eyes are telling, it’s never only on days I don’t wear make up because those days are every day. I remember my own mother told me these same stories that if she wasn’t in make up, and all that, she always got asked if she was sick or tired.

I guess after all this rambling, as I tend to do, I just want to work out just what Laurie Penny was getting at. She also stated,

“…beauty is not mandatory. Some of us will never be beautiful, and none of us will be beautiful forever, at least not by society’s standards., and that’s okay. Beauty is not the only or the most important measure of a person’s worth if she is a female.”

She hit the nail on the head with that one.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PRETTY TO TAKE UP SPACE IN THIS WORLD.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PRETTY TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PRETTY TO BE LISTENED TO.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE PRETTY TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

But if you choose to participate in any beautifying rituals that is your own prerogative. No one should be judging each other on the effort they put into their appearance; the lack of effort or beyond needed effort. It works both ways. If I want to leave my apartment to go for a walk looking like a mess, I shouldn’t worry that I am not pretty enough if I see another human being I know. IT DOES NOT MATTER.

I feel like I have so much more to say on this subject but this will become way too long, so let’s say this is an intro to a multiple article type deal, k? I haven’t even gotten into weight yet.

Would love to discuss this with anyone further, whether agreeing or disagreeing, so feel free to comment or reach out personally if you wanna chat about this topic. I find it fascinating.